Friday, May 21, 2010

Written With Blocks

Unless you've suffered the loss of a child (due to termination for reasons, stillbirth, miscarriage, or to a terminal disease/illness) you just cannot understand the the pain, the hurt, the loss of hopes, dreams or a bleeding heart. The feel of emptiness and the hole that remains there are no words to describe.

I myself have suffered a loss. We lost a baby at 5 weeks 2 days. A baby we'd spent so much hopes and dreams on to conceive. After 7 years trying for a child with 1 whole year of that with fertility specialists we were lucky enough to fall pregnant with the help of a drug called Clomid. I was so happy to finally feel morning sickness again. To know how lucky i was after the year of tests and stabs and prods from doctors, nurses and anything willing to help us find out what the issue was. After our 5Th round we were so elated to find out we were finally carrying our little miracle only for it to be cut short a little over a week later.

To say i was devastated is not even half of what i felt. I still feel so angry, so guilty over something that wasn't my fault. We decided not to tell many people as i had a hard time trying to come to terms with my own feelings. So not many people knew i was pregnant to start with let alone lost out much wanted long awaited baby.

I've been torn apart. I feel so guilty thinking there is something i could have done to prevent it. Something i could have done to stop it. I worry about a lot of things. I over think everything. I wonder if the baby knew i loved him. If our baby knew how wanted he was. I wonder did it hurt when he chose to leave? Did he leave because he knew i wouldn't be good enough for him as a mother. Why was something so precious given to us only to be taken away. What did i do so wrong to feel the hurt and the heartbreak. I am gutted beyond comprehension.

Those that do know us through our infertility struggles have always said "maybe gods telling you something, maybe you're not meant to be parents again" "Maybe it was for the best, maybe there was something wrong with the baby" These words cut to my bone. They slice a piece of my heart. How hurtful people can be. If you don't have anything nice to say DON'T SAY IT AT ALL.

There have been some very thoughtful people out there. TEDDYLOVECLUB, BEARS OF HOPE, some of my POSAA friends. Who have given bears, cards, love, support, friendship, hope, angel ornaments. I am forever thankful for those special ladies who thought of me during the worst day of my life.

I have always been empathetic to those who have lost someone to any circumstances. I can easily put myself in someones place. I try to be the best person i can be in trying to understand what they have gone through. I never pretended to understand. I never said "i know how you feel" as i am not a hypocrite i don't pretend to know what it feels like if i don't know. But now i do. Someone not to be named....never thinks before she speaks. She knows we've been doing fertility treatments. She lost babies along time ago. Over 30 years ago. She said i wish i lost mine as early as you did so it wouldn't have upset me so much. I had to walk out of the room. How dare anyone speak to me like that. I snapped back it wouldn't have mattered if i was 4 weeks or 20 weeks. I am an overly sensitive person who feels a lot of pain. Even when its not my own pain. Just to know someone i love is upset or hurting makes me sob like I'm going through it.

So i thought about making my on blog to let some feelings out. Its been hard keeping a lid on it. Its been hard walking around feeling like I'm going to explode. Feeling the jealousy when others announce a pregnancy. After TTC and a loss it hurts more than it ever did before. Hearing people complaining about a pregnancy really doesn't help me right now either. I try to be happy for people but the selfish part comes out and all i do when no one can see me is cry. It hurts a lot. I am hoping this blog will help me release some of these emotions i have been carrying with me for over 5 months now.

We lost our much wanted baby 29-11-09. That is a day i will never forget. We would have been due around the 1st of august 2010. That is also going to be a hard day for me to get through.

There have been so many wonderful people who have blogs of their own who have taken photos for me of Bodhi's name in the sand, on stones it means so much to me. For someone else to remember my little angel.

I love you Bodhi, more than i ever thought i could love another child. After our first child i never thought i could love anyone else as much. I was worried about this after conceiving another baby how could i love another child as much as i love my daughter? the answer was easy. A piece of me died that day i lost you. Mummy cannot wait to see you again.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

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