Saturday, May 22, 2010

Do you get frustrated with people whom don't understand your grief not understanding how hurt you are? Even after its been 5 months 3 weeks and 2 days my pain hasn't moved. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs"

What if we were still pregnant? How long would we have to go? Questions like this play on my mind constantly.

I SHOULD BE due late july early august. I SHOULD BE deciding what cot, what bedding set, what decorations i want in my nursery. Yet im alone in my grief, I'm alone in my aching, my empty stomach and heart.

People keep telling me to smile, to see the joy, that we will have another chance. I cannot be more hurt by these people. So much is happening in my life right now.

Since the loss of our child, i also lost my gran. Things have been rocky and difficult for myself and my wonderful man for the last 18 months. I feel cursed some days Its always something. And at the moment we are trying to help friends through a horrible situation which for their privacy i dont want to be writing about right now. Its the worst thing a parent could be going through.

I have so much anger built in. We tried so long to get our much wanted baby i cant help but feel cheated. I cant help but feel angry and hurt. I cant let go of any of these emotions right now.

I see so many people who dont want their unborn children. I see so many children being neglected, not clothed, bathed,fed, or loved. I see people not trying for a child, not really wanting one conceive so easily. This feels like god is rubbing it in my face some days. I am angry towards everyone but my partner. He has been amazing for me. He doesn't understand my grief i dont believe. To me our baby was a baby before i got to see an ultrasound picture. Before i got to feel our baby move, Our baby was a baby as soon as he was conceived. So i've greived rather harshly. I dont care what anyone else thinks or says to me our baby was my world. And that this is who i am as a person.

I just wish things could be different. I dont think i needed this life lesson. Why did this happen to me? Am i that horrible of a person to deserve so much hurt?

I really hope this blog helps let go of some of my emotions, i find it very difficult to talk to anyone about my hurting especially those who haven't been through it before and don't understand.

After trying for so long, i am worried Bodhi was our only chance of another child we've so longed for. I am scared our chance of a miracle wont happen again. I am tired of people saying that it will happen again. They dont know this. Or they say oh you can always have another or you can always try again.. i dont want to try again right now. I want my angel back. No other child is going to replace the child i lost. How stupid can some people be? I realise everyone grieves differently. I understand that not everyone feels the loss, or can move on without to much time. But i am not one of these people.

"If every tear we shed for you became a star above; you’d stroll in Angel’s garden, lit by everlasting love."


No comments:

Post a Comment