Loss

When we found out we were pregnant i'd nicknamed our baby "Jellybean" and then after we lost Jellybean i felt sad that our baby didnt have a gender or a name.

I searched online to find out information about others grieving the same loss as me. An early miscarriage also called a chemical pregnancy. A lot of people have these but never know. But as we were doing fertility treatments we knew the earliest we could test.

I found a few websites dedicated to broken hearted parents. One said name your baby, if you didnt find out the sex, or couldnt find out the sex to go with your heart or instinct and chose a name for baby. Or chose a unisex name like Riley/Rilee, Ashlee/Ashley, Kodey/Cody well you get the idea.

I've always loved the name Bodhi. It had always been on my baby name list since i was young.

Bodhi is the sanskrit word for the "awakened" or "knowing" generally translates into english as "enlightenment" Ash achieved by a buddha (an awakened/enlightened person) supreme knowledge.

I decided to name our jellybean because i felt if we didnt chose a name i'd be sad as jellybean was a part of our family and still is. Even for a fleeting moment. I wanted to honor our baby and namee him like we would have if he was born.

I feel its helped the healing process some what. As i now feel jellybean knows he's loved, and apart of our family.. As silly as that may sound to you.
I also have a memory box. With my pregnancy tests and things i've collected inside. I haven't looked in side for a while but its there when i need it.



My Lord. When my child was born, I was going to sit them on my knee and tell them all about you. I never got the chance. Would you please sit them on your knee and tell them all about me?