Sunday, June 20, 2010

name requests

my email is :)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I've done a fair few requests since i first started. I am not impressed i am STILL waiting for my other set of blocks!! I have done around 120 names (not including ones i've done for myself for Bodhi lol

I have ordered some more bits and pieces to broaden it up a little and maybe give people a choice by what they want in the photo or whatever. (what colour bear etc, what ooak doll etc)

I might start that soon. I really do hope i get the other set of blocks, as some of the names i've done i simply havent had enough letters to do them so i have to scrounge around on the off side of the blocks for a letter marked. A few names have had ALOT of A's or E's and since they are double sided blocks it makes it difficult because the letter i need is often on the back of the others i've already set out to spell out a name. We will get there i guess lol.

Hope you are all having a good day.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I finally feel like i've achieved something I have done a fair few of my block name requests over the last day I am happy someone has wanted some. I was getting really worried that noone would want one.

Thanks to everyone who has read and supported me it means alot.

And today being our 9 year anniversary ;) its been not to bad of a day really hope you've all had a good day also.

sending my love


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Thought I'd add a little about my daughter since this blog has mainly been about my hurt and Bodhi.

My fiance's name is Bill (William), and my daughters name is Eilish Sienna. Eilish was born on the 5th June 2002. We started TTC #2 in Dec 2002. So a long time ago.

Eilish started developing as a child normally would but we started seeing small changes in her at first. Just shortly after her 18 month needles. We tried to think nothing of it. Then we got her hearing tested when she was 28 months the waiting list was insane for that. We finally got that tested when she was 36-38 months. We noticed more and more she wasn't developing like everyone Else's child. By then she'd lost all of her speech, and a lot of her understanding. She started doing odd gestures and repetitive things. By the time she was 3 we knew something was wrong but the GP wasn't willing to do much. We went higher and used the local Kindy to get some leeway. Finally after another 7 months waiting list we got to see a doctor. He was a specialist at the Women's and Children's in Adelaide. The asshole called her an oddball and stupid while she was in the room with us for her diagnosis. If i wasn't so upset and in tears by what he called our daughter I'd have knocked him clean over. We left that feeling rather angry and scared. We didn't want to go see another doctor. After that she started kindy. the kindy helped us a lot found us a wonderful team of doctors who knew what happened to us previously. We got her diagnosis of Autism when she was 4.

Its a hard road. We do a lot of it alone. Hardly anyone helps us with respite (i.e the grandparents) and i home school her currently. But beggars cant be choosers. I am happy we have our daughter. She is a blessing even though that's hard to see sometimes.

Our journey together as lovers (myself and my man) hasn't been an easy one. Its been filled with heart ache, hurt, devastation and everything else for a while now.

I just wonder when things are going to get easier for us. I hope that's soon. I hope our bad luck is almost over i don't know how much more sorrow i can take.

My gorgeous little girl <3



When we found out we were pregnant i'd nicknamed our baby "Jellybean" and then after we lost Jellybean i felt sad that our baby didnt have a gender or a name.

I searched online to find out information about others grieving the same loss as me. An early miscarriage also called a chemical pregnancy. A lot of people have these but never know. But as we were doing fertility treatments we knew the earliest we could test.

I found a few websites dedicated to broken hearted parents. One said name your baby, if you didnt find out the sex, or couldnt find out the sex to go with your heart or instinct and chose a name for baby. Or chose a unisex name like Riley/Rilee, Ashlee/Ashley, Kodey/Cody well you get the idea.

I've always loved the name Bodhi. It had always been on my baby name list since i was young.

Bodhi is the sanskrit word for the "awakened" or "knowing" generally translates into english as "enlightenment" Ash achieved by a buddha (an awakened/enlightened person) supreme knowledge.

I decided to name our jellybean because i felt if we didnt chose a name i'd be sad as jellybean was a part of our family and still is. Even for a fleeting moment. I wanted to honor our baby and namee him like we would have if he was born.

I feel its helped the healing process some what. As i now feel jellybean knows he's loved, and apart of our family.. As silly as that may sound to you.
I also have a memory box. With my pregnancy tests and things i've collected inside. I haven't looked in side for a while but its there when i need it.

My Lord. When my child was born, I was going to sit them on my knee and tell them all about you. I never got the chance. Would you please sit them on your knee and tell them all about me?
Do you get frustrated with people whom don't understand your grief not understanding how hurt you are? Even after its been 5 months 3 weeks and 2 days my pain hasn't moved. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs"

What if we were still pregnant? How long would we have to go? Questions like this play on my mind constantly.

I SHOULD BE due late july early august. I SHOULD BE deciding what cot, what bedding set, what decorations i want in my nursery. Yet im alone in my grief, I'm alone in my aching, my empty stomach and heart.

People keep telling me to smile, to see the joy, that we will have another chance. I cannot be more hurt by these people. So much is happening in my life right now.

Since the loss of our child, i also lost my gran. Things have been rocky and difficult for myself and my wonderful man for the last 18 months. I feel cursed some days Its always something. And at the moment we are trying to help friends through a horrible situation which for their privacy i dont want to be writing about right now. Its the worst thing a parent could be going through.

I have so much anger built in. We tried so long to get our much wanted baby i cant help but feel cheated. I cant help but feel angry and hurt. I cant let go of any of these emotions right now.

I see so many people who dont want their unborn children. I see so many children being neglected, not clothed, bathed,fed, or loved. I see people not trying for a child, not really wanting one conceive so easily. This feels like god is rubbing it in my face some days. I am angry towards everyone but my partner. He has been amazing for me. He doesn't understand my grief i dont believe. To me our baby was a baby before i got to see an ultrasound picture. Before i got to feel our baby move, Our baby was a baby as soon as he was conceived. So i've greived rather harshly. I dont care what anyone else thinks or says to me our baby was my world. And that this is who i am as a person.

I just wish things could be different. I dont think i needed this life lesson. Why did this happen to me? Am i that horrible of a person to deserve so much hurt?

I really hope this blog helps let go of some of my emotions, i find it very difficult to talk to anyone about my hurting especially those who haven't been through it before and don't understand.

After trying for so long, i am worried Bodhi was our only chance of another child we've so longed for. I am scared our chance of a miracle wont happen again. I am tired of people saying that it will happen again. They dont know this. Or they say oh you can always have another or you can always try again.. i dont want to try again right now. I want my angel back. No other child is going to replace the child i lost. How stupid can some people be? I realise everyone grieves differently. I understand that not everyone feels the loss, or can move on without to much time. But i am not one of these people.

"If every tear we shed for you became a star above; you’d stroll in Angel’s garden, lit by everlasting love."


Friday, May 21, 2010

I ordered my stuff the other day so within the next few days it should be on my doorstep ready to use :)

I am excited and cannot wait to start doing this and giving back to those who have been so kind and helpful toward my healing process. And cannot wait to give some love to people who need it and some healing by showing them i care about them and their little angels.

"The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after the star itself is gone."
These two wonderful organisations are wonderful. When i feel alone i love to cuddle my soft and cuddly bears given to me by these wonderful people :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart XOXO

Teddy Love Club

Bears of Hope

Names in the sand

Hope Collages

These were done by a lovely angel i met through some sadness in my life.

Lovely angel by the name of Misty

There are so many lovely people out there in the world to float down and pull you out of a dark hole with a candle and their soft angel wings. Its nice to have someone like that in your life when you are at the depths of despair. Know no matter how alone you feel (and i understand this fully) know you are never alone. There is always someone out there willing to reach down and help try and heal you with their sticky tape and glue

"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back, I Know Because I Tried. And Neither Can a Million Tears I Know Because I Cried."

Since so many people have been amazing i have decided once i get my blocks i will be taking name requests. Its free. I will just put on my blog, or email you or both the pics i've taken of your angels.

just send me an email to have "name request" in the subject so i know what its about. And of course your angels name :)

and i will get back to you as soon as possibe.

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."

Written With Blocks

Unless you've suffered the loss of a child (due to termination for reasons, stillbirth, miscarriage, or to a terminal disease/illness) you just cannot understand the the pain, the hurt, the loss of hopes, dreams or a bleeding heart. The feel of emptiness and the hole that remains there are no words to describe.

I myself have suffered a loss. We lost a baby at 5 weeks 2 days. A baby we'd spent so much hopes and dreams on to conceive. After 7 years trying for a child with 1 whole year of that with fertility specialists we were lucky enough to fall pregnant with the help of a drug called Clomid. I was so happy to finally feel morning sickness again. To know how lucky i was after the year of tests and stabs and prods from doctors, nurses and anything willing to help us find out what the issue was. After our 5Th round we were so elated to find out we were finally carrying our little miracle only for it to be cut short a little over a week later.

To say i was devastated is not even half of what i felt. I still feel so angry, so guilty over something that wasn't my fault. We decided not to tell many people as i had a hard time trying to come to terms with my own feelings. So not many people knew i was pregnant to start with let alone lost out much wanted long awaited baby.

I've been torn apart. I feel so guilty thinking there is something i could have done to prevent it. Something i could have done to stop it. I worry about a lot of things. I over think everything. I wonder if the baby knew i loved him. If our baby knew how wanted he was. I wonder did it hurt when he chose to leave? Did he leave because he knew i wouldn't be good enough for him as a mother. Why was something so precious given to us only to be taken away. What did i do so wrong to feel the hurt and the heartbreak. I am gutted beyond comprehension.

Those that do know us through our infertility struggles have always said "maybe gods telling you something, maybe you're not meant to be parents again" "Maybe it was for the best, maybe there was something wrong with the baby" These words cut to my bone. They slice a piece of my heart. How hurtful people can be. If you don't have anything nice to say DON'T SAY IT AT ALL.

There have been some very thoughtful people out there. TEDDYLOVECLUB, BEARS OF HOPE, some of my POSAA friends. Who have given bears, cards, love, support, friendship, hope, angel ornaments. I am forever thankful for those special ladies who thought of me during the worst day of my life.

I have always been empathetic to those who have lost someone to any circumstances. I can easily put myself in someones place. I try to be the best person i can be in trying to understand what they have gone through. I never pretended to understand. I never said "i know how you feel" as i am not a hypocrite i don't pretend to know what it feels like if i don't know. But now i do. Someone not to be named....never thinks before she speaks. She knows we've been doing fertility treatments. She lost babies along time ago. Over 30 years ago. She said i wish i lost mine as early as you did so it wouldn't have upset me so much. I had to walk out of the room. How dare anyone speak to me like that. I snapped back it wouldn't have mattered if i was 4 weeks or 20 weeks. I am an overly sensitive person who feels a lot of pain. Even when its not my own pain. Just to know someone i love is upset or hurting makes me sob like I'm going through it.

So i thought about making my on blog to let some feelings out. Its been hard keeping a lid on it. Its been hard walking around feeling like I'm going to explode. Feeling the jealousy when others announce a pregnancy. After TTC and a loss it hurts more than it ever did before. Hearing people complaining about a pregnancy really doesn't help me right now either. I try to be happy for people but the selfish part comes out and all i do when no one can see me is cry. It hurts a lot. I am hoping this blog will help me release some of these emotions i have been carrying with me for over 5 months now.

We lost our much wanted baby 29-11-09. That is a day i will never forget. We would have been due around the 1st of august 2010. That is also going to be a hard day for me to get through.

There have been so many wonderful people who have blogs of their own who have taken photos for me of Bodhi's name in the sand, on stones it means so much to me. For someone else to remember my little angel.

I love you Bodhi, more than i ever thought i could love another child. After our first child i never thought i could love anyone else as much. I was worried about this after conceiving another baby how could i love another child as much as i love my daughter? the answer was easy. A piece of me died that day i lost you. Mummy cannot wait to see you again.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”